Tuesday, August 14, 2007

The letter I wish I'd sent instead

Dear Worst Customer I Have,

In response to your e-mail today, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate a hostile, paranoid three page e-mail telling me how stupid I am, along with my agency, parent company, and presumably your bank of choice. Not much.

Thank you so much for sending it in three bitter installments because you could not figure out how to send all 11 attachments in one message. I might have succeeded in forgetting you existed, without those handy little pop-up windows bearing your name and snarling salutations. Great reminder.

Once again, just as I told you last month, the month before, and the month before that, I am sorry you managed to fuck up your billing again. As I explained last month, the month before, and the month before that, you are doing it wrong. Quit doing that, and your billing will be fine. Hell, even a chicken can learn to associate rewards with a task done right... here's a hint: peck the red button.

I sent you detailed troubleshooting each time, and last month, I made you a how-to file complete with color illustrations ganked from screenshots of the e-payment screens with large, red arrows. Did you receive them? I know you are dissatisfied with the way the website works, but it has not magically changed in the last month, the month before, or the month before that one. Sorry, but the way things work does not change just because we don't want to do them correctly. Be aware that if you stand outside and throw handfuls of money into the air (ten minutes before midnight the day the bill is due), it won't get credited to your account, either.

Please schedule an appointment every month to pay your bill in our office and on time. (We do close at 5:30, so you may have to pay more than 10 minutes before the movements of Yellow Face In The Sky makes the due date go away.) We will be happy to hand you a receipt that will actually mean something, unlike the confirmation notice which I have explained several times has no bearing on whether the money can actually be applied to your account.

If this experience has done nothing else for us, it has helped us get to know one another. It is unfortunate that I am in your business' target demographic; I would love to shop at your spacious, well-appointed health food store, but you are such a tool I find it morally imperative to avoid your shop. I would not, after all, want to give you hard-earned dollars to misapply to your monthly premiums. I'll do the reprehensibly un-green thing of driving to the one in the nearby excuse for a college town instead, or order online... "shop local" be damned.

Neither do I promote your shop via word-of-mouth, which would really give your foot traffic a boost... at least in nepotistic, cliquey, small-town-feel central-coastal California.

Curse you for choosing our agency to serve your insurance needs, and stop wasting my time. If you have questions or concerns, promptly drink paint and set fire to yourself.

Best,

Linda

3 comments:

PMS_Chicago said...

I know you are dissatisfied with the way the website works, but it has not magically changed in the last month, the month before, or the month before that one.

ROFL! It turned out to be the month before the last one you mentioned!

Ducks said...

But not magically.

And, alas, not in his benefit.

Ducks said...

It should be noted that the insurance company later told me that yes, indeed, payments for commercial policies CAN be made online. Nice.